COVID-19 jokes/funny memes/pics/videos

Status
Not open for further replies.
Sex Research for The Innocent Women

The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most often asked questions of women (i.e.. relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained herein to change their behaviour in accordance with the truths established below.

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not emotionally confused like women.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: This is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you should do whatever he tells you without question, no matter how strange it seems at first. You will soon get used to it.

Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly. He may go out with his friends to play golf or perhaps go to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing the laundry, cleaning the house, doing some gardening or getting a nice meal prepared for him. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay"?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. For the woman "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you do your chores.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare. If by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees, thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him.

Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.
 
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him €240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets €190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

Oh, nearly forgot, there's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about €25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."



"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."



"That'll be me then," said Paddy
 
THE AUSSIE VERSION OF CREATION

In the beginning God created day and night.

He created day for footy matches, going to the beach, and BBQ's.

He created night for going prawning, sleeping, and BBQ's.

On the Second Day, God created water for surfing, swimming, and BBQ's on the beach,

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs,

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans, for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's.

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with.

So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes.

He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good .. ...

Well..... Almost good.....

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.

So God created Sheilas to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good....

It was Bloody Awesome!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!!!!
 
Don’t Mess With Senior Citizens


A married couple is travelling by car from California to New York.

Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it’s a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the ‘standard rate’. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use.

“But we didn’t use them,” the husband said.

“Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the Manager.

The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,” the Manager says.

“But we didn’t go to any of those shows,” the husband said.

“Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, “But we didn’t use it!”

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn’t have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check.

She did and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. “But ma’am, this is made out for only $50.00.”

“That’s correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied.

“But I didn’t!” exclaims the Manager.

“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”

Don’t mess with senior citizens… They didn’t get there by being stupid.
 
Google Pizza

-Hello! Gordon's pizza?
- No sir it's Google pizza.
- Ah okay, wrong number
- No sir, Google bought Gordon's
- Okay. Then can I order please...
- Do you want the usual?
- The usual? You know my usual?
- According to our caller ID, the last 12 times you ordered pizza with cheese, sausage, and thick crust
- OK! Yes, that's it...
- May I suggest you add ricotta, arugula and sun-dry tomato?
- No, I don't want vegetables
- But your cholesterol is very high
- How do you know that?
- Through your opt-in to our daily specials email. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years
- Okay, but I do not want extras on my pizza, I am medicated for the condition
- You have not taken the medicine regularly, 4 months ago you only purchased a box with 30 tablets at Meds4U dot com
- I bought more from another supplier
- It's not showing on your credit card
- I paid in cash
- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement
- I have other source of cash
- This is not showing as per your 2017 Tax return, unless you got it from an undeclared income source
- WHAT THE HELL? Enough! I'm going to an Island without internet or phone and no one to spy on me
- I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport as it expired 5 weeks ago.
 
The New Chinese Immigrant

Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai.

He buys a small piece of land near Mt Isa.

A few days after he moves in a friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go along and welcome the new guy to the region.

He goes next door but on his way up the driveway he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 chickens.

Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for a day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it.

Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the driveway, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says “Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after chickens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about shit on you.”

The Chinese man is very taken back and says “Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.”

'What do you mean, mate,” says the Aussie, “those aren't Australian customs.”

”Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me,” replied the Chinese man, He say to become true Australian, I learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bullshit.
 
preview.jpg
 
I think we will close this thread soon ...
 
Men Are Happier People

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress - $5,000. Tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the lightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one colour for all seasons You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th -- in 25 minutes flat.

No wonder men are happier!

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has 6 items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing! So, send this to the women who have a sense of humour .... and to the men who will enjoy reading it.
 
Military Outpost

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new Commanding Officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring Colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring Colonel said, "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO who was surprised, if not shocked, to meet a hunched, toothless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, with warts all over his face, three strands of hair on his head and ears a spaniel would envy - a particularly unattractive man less than four foot tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honour's from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar and three DSO's after 12 months of expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won Gold Medals in the middleweight division boxing, archery gold, wrestling and a 2 golds in the Olympic games. I have researched the history of.............................."

Here the Colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, man never mind that! Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to "Go screw himself!!"
 
I'm here to support @SpeedyPC ...you guys need some more cheering up.

A car from the local Convent crashed while carrying a Novice, a Nun, and the Mother Superior (who was Irish), and they were all killed.
They duly appeared at the Pearly Gates to be met by St.Peter.
He said to them “Although all of you have led pure and blameless lives I must ask you each a question to see if you can enter through the Pearly Gates”.
“Sorry, but rules are rules you know”.

To the Novice he said “As you are the youngest and most recent member of the convent your question will be easier”...
“What were the names of the first 2 people God created”?
The Novice at once replied “Oh, that’s easy...it was Adam and Eve”.
At once Heavenly music began to play and the gates to Heaven swung open.
The Novice entered and the gates closed.

To the Nun St.Peter said “You are next in seniority and your question is a little harder”...
“Where did Adam and Eve live”?
“Oh, that’s easy” said the Nun. “They lived in the Garden of Eden”.
At once Heavenly music began to play and the gates to Heaven swung open.
The Nun entered and the gates closed.

To the Mother Superior, (who was Irish remember), he said “Your question is much more difficult”...
“What were the first words Eve said to Adam”?
The Mother Superior scratched her head, deep in thought.
“F*ck me” she said. “That’s hard”.
At once Heavenly music began to play...
 
Gut vs Balls

There is a psychological distinction between Guts and Balls.

We've heard colleagues referring to people with Guts, or with Balls. Do they, however, know the difference between them?

Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Psychology Dictionary: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Chubby".

I trust this clears up any confusion.

Psychologically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome; both are fatal.
 
Commentary

With their 8 year old son around the only way to have a 'quickie' during lock-down was to send him out onto the balcony with a Mars bar and tell him to report on all the activity in the street.

“An ambulance has just gone by”

“The Anderson's have just had an ASDA delivery”

“Matty has just gone out on his bike”

“Looks like the Sanderson's have gone into full lock-down isolation”

“Oscar's mum is telling him off”

“Jeanie has just gone out in her car”

After a few seconds, “The Coopers are bonking now”,

Startled his mum and dad shot up in bed and dad called out “How do you know that?”

“Because Jimmy Cooper is out on their balcony eating a Mars bar”.
 
First Girlfriend

When I took my first girlfriend home to meet my parents, she wasn’t given the warmest of welcomes

After saying hello my Dad pulled me to one side and whispered "you could do better than that son. She's the ugliest fat slobby pig I've ever seen! She must weigh 20 stone. She’s covered in spots, got lips like a cod, got a beard, is cross eyed, got a bald head, size 12 feet and she stinks!!"

I said "there's no need to whisper dad, she's deaf.
 
OK, I think we are wandering way off the reservation here.

Stay safe with COVID folks.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top